Rosh Hasanah 2010

I heart, heart, heart!

Now let me avoid all the Jew food, as I have a tradition of doing and get on with this holiday! more...

Jewish High Holidays

I was overwhelmed when I received the call from one of the members of the shul to bestow the honor upon me of opening and closing the Torah ark on Day 1 of Rosh Hosanna 2010. Though I am a card carrying atheist, my cup runneth over. It was a complete shock to me and I was elated to know that the caller had my work cellular number since the iPhone 4 has been a debacle of great depths. (Insider story for those who know that fiasco of epic proportions.)

I called my biological mother shortly after to share my good news. (The Jewish mother will see me there in my adorable Calvin Klein number that I picked up on mega sale in NYC recently. Yes, the outfit information is important, dear reader.) Judaism is an odd topic in my biological family. A topic I have never really shared with anyone, not even my best friend. Until today, as I open my ark to share something deeply personally about AG.

I have never told my story in great detail because of the shame and fear that Judaism carries in my family. We wear our Stars of David with great shame and agony. And to that end, I have had a small gold Star for more than 20 years and only began wearing it two years ago. For you see, there was a lot of anti-Semitism experienced by my Italian grandparents when they came to America from both Jews who told them they did not belong and Christians who told them to go away. I still endure the subtle comments today that remind me I am a sorta, maybe. Comments like, "Italian Jews? There is such a thing?"

As such, we grandchildren were taught to never speak of being Jewish outside of the home. Some of the grandchildren were never told the truth by their parents and they hide out in various churches or arcades (The other atheists rocked the arcade on Sundays.) I have been warned to not go there by my parents. A request I respect, but one that hurts me deeply when my cousin's husband makes insensitive comments like, "Honey, I don't think I ever met a Jewish person before AG." My heart sinks deeply and the pain fills quickly whenever he says that and believe me, it's more frequent than I wish to remind myself.

My immediate family took countless steps to deny our Judaism from having the twins and me baptized as Christians to having Passover dinner in the basement of my grandparents home but never with any Haggadah present in the event we were interrupted by my grandparent's friends or business colleagues to sending us to boarding school where we could become good little WASPy children who go to medical school or law school to become leaders of tomorrow. I wore countless Brooks Brothers outfits and possess myriad forms of plaid. Yet, I never owned a kippah until I received one at a bat mitzvah in 2006. A good little WASP in the culture war for Christian Upper Crust America, was I.

Enduring this fragmented cultural and religious experience was a nightmare for me as I came of age. I remember wanting to go to the Hillel at Amherst, but too afraid. Petrified I'd disappoint my mother and scared my Bubie would never speak to me again because I caused problems for my mother and father. You see, my family was a political family, as was my mother's and you don't rock the boat during election years. There were so many election years that I all I learned was to rebel against politics like my uncle had done in the generation before me and refute the rules of proper English and no elbows on the table at dinner. If I never see a campaign poster in my home again -- it could not be soon enough.

Several years ago, I made the official decision that I was going to come out as Jew to everyone. Even though I had only the faintest clue of what being Jewish meant, I was ready to declare what I was born and who I really was. I took my place at the mikvah to reclaim who I was born. Malka. A Jew first. An American second. I even went so far to make the decision to address the baptism issue privately with a rabbi and more publicly, with the Jewish community.

Still though, I never felt Jewish the way I thought I would after such a profound ritualistic experience. I have a mezzuzah on my doorpost, I keep kosher style (No pork, no mixing of meat and dairy on ceramic plates) in my home, I do the all night women's study of Shauvout, and will be in Israel later this year -- but still I felt like the angry and resentful young girl with her face pressed to the glass of the Volvo wagon windows as we rolled along to Christmas services year after year. I felt as lost as I did then, but with a different ache in my heart.

But that all changed.

Something changed when Selina called to inform me of this great news.

I have not only accepted myself in the community, but the community has accepted me.

I am honored to be called to the Bimah this year for this special recognition. I will stand there amongst my community as I carryout the duty that has been given to me. The only regrets or confusion I will carry forward with me is the sadness of knowing Bubie Claire could not see this day. She would have been so silently proud and pulled me aside several days later on my birthday to whisper in my ear what she often did: "You will be the Jewish girl someday that your Bubie was never brave enough to be. Someday when we are safe and your parents can be at peace with this. Now go, study and make your parents proud and move out of their house before you're 30." more...

Don't Stop There

While I don't disagree with a lot of what is being said here, It does not change the fact that Chomsky is in fact, a self hating Jew. more...

Going Tribe

Mom, I'm just going to give you my Facebook login info so you can keep track of what my friends are up to and can stop bugging me about it.

Found here:

more...

Good to Know

AG has menorah, will travel. more...

Sponge Worthy

Jews AG would schtup:

S. Barack Caine, PhD
Larry David (I dig the neurotic types)
Geddy Lee (Only for the music)
Jake Gyllenhaal (Brandeis looks like a Southern version)
Zach Braff (And the hottie NYU M.D. I know that looks like him.)
Adrien Brody
Hank Azaria
Malcom Gladwell
MenDee
Adam Green in the video below. (Perhaps Harry Reid because I fecking love the poodle he's holding during the taping!)



Those AG would not:

Russ Feingold,JD (He's not AG's type)
Joe Lieberman, JD
Adam Sandler (Self hating and votes Republican)
Laura Schlessinger, PhD (She is not an M.D. or a PhD in clinical psychology!)
Rupert Murdoch (Enough said)
Most likely you.

Consider yourselves informed. more...

Writing and Drinking

are never a good thing..*

*Please don't sue AG for suggesting there is a correlation. I have no proof and I am not saying there is any relationship. Just that AG finds your son's bio funny. more...

Signing Autographs

Comments overheard at a Passover party this weekend:

Him: So, I am in Wal-Mart today.
AG: Ugh. (Starts blabbering about accidents, urgency, location, etc.)
Him: Right, so there is this old couple behind me. They have a cart and they are pushing it up my ass. (Said in hushed tones) I turn around and almost say: Are you that impatient or just don't want to die in Wal-Mart?
...Pregnant pause...
Oh my g-d, I am becoming AG.
AG: (With hubris under breathe) Proud moment, huh? Stupid coffin dodgers. more...

So Long Farewell...

AG is off for Passover. She won't be back until mid-week.

Happy Easter to those who are celebrating. Here's hoping your table is as awesome as my seder table last night that involved the following words at some point or another:

fakakta
fart
fuck-off
freak
bitch
breasts
boner
Do you read encyclopedias for the articles*

Not a single one was uttered by AG. She did sit near a PhD from Tuscaloosa, AL and a Canuck from Toronto, ON. The New Yorker won first prize though.

La. La. more...

Meritocracy

I did not post anything today.

I actually did my work, at work.

That's all.

I thought you should know.

Oh, I am collecting single Jewish doctors and lawyers' phone numbers for Passover. AG does not want crazies, so do not send me those. (I got plenty of those.) Feel free to e-mail to me.

As you were. more...

Passover Seder

You know Fish only comes over here for the pictures. So, Good Shabbos, my goyish boy toy.
____________________________________

Last night I attended the Passover women's seder at my local synagogue. Yes, it's always before the actual holiday and this year's program was equally as nice as last years with exceptional singing and dancing. I always enjoy attending because I get to visit with my Jewish Ema and my gal pals. I was glad to see Ema, Meri, Judy*, Elena*, the Birthday Boy, Meri's husband, and a slew of older women that I am tight with. I have to say, our synagogue has some of the sweetest women. It really does and last night surely reminded me of that.

I was talking to my ALBT (Adorable Boyfriend), when I spotted Elena on the street. She grabbed me almost immediately within sight to ask me if I had her back. I was all, "Back?" Apparently some crazy started with her on the street because she wanted her parking spot. Oy, the synagogue drama is fun! I replied with, "I'm from Boston and New York. You know it!" The conversation drifted and it set the tone for the night.

This year we had assigned seating and since I knew Maura* and she's seen me intoxicated before, table three knew what to expect! In fact, table three is the only table that had five bottles of wine on it at the end of the night, instead of two. La. La. Right as Elena and I circle over to our table, a trio of women appear like hawks looking for their pray. The youngest is not very pleasant barking some orders at us about which seats we can have. Which seat AG can have? Bitch was clearly crazy. AG doesn't notice her because honestly, her brassy hair is making the eyes tear and there is something else far more interesting. I instantly spot the oldest one who looks like this. She had the four carat ring and everything. Oy gevalt was she stunning in her Bubbie glory.

She was pure fodder for the three hours I was there. The best part about her though wasn't that she tried to introduce me to her 45-year-old Boca Raton attorney son who has never had a relationship last more than six weeks, or that she brought her slave with her, or even that she informed me that her six inches high hair was not done last night because she didn't have time to "go to the beauty parlor." It was what Elena pointed out to me between the bitters and the maror. She pulled something out of her purse and began to discuss it with us.

Contest time! Can you guess what little gem of a gift she brought to the Passover seder. Trust me, no guess is too outlandish. Go ahead, try it.

At the end of the night, I found my tambourine that I decorated but someone swiped for themselves, (bitch, please!) left intoxicated (I paid $25, I was getting that amount worth of food, fun, and drink), got into it with my Ema for looking for another adopted daughter, and found out Bubbie belongs to Judy! Judy has the best Bubbie. Eva.

I am totally borrowing her next Shabbos and we are so going to George's where she will get me schtupped without a doubt. I did mention this to the ALBT and he was down with it. So, we're all good here. George's Happy Hour is filled with the Jews from the mainline who are dressed in Polo and talking about Devon Days. In other words, they speak AG shiksa!

Oh and in case you are wondering, yes, I am hungover today. I was still spinning when I woke up after throwing up while on the phone with the ALBT. I also may have fallen asleep on him over the phone and Alisa is pissed because I did not show up at the concert last night. Wah. Wah. Anyone have an Alka Seltzer because cheap, low ETOH, sugar laden kosher wine is killing me!

*Names are changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. more...

AG Haiku

I am sick.

I have a cold.

I probably got it from a cute Jewish boy who is sick.

That will teach me for making out with random Jewish boys.

Or get me into the university health clinic to meet more hot Jewish boys.

I guess being sick isn't so bad afterall.

Now as I think about it.

It's like JDate without the fees, fuglies, and freaks.

I am a genius.

I shall call it, "JewRx"

Adorable Boyfriend can trademark it for me.

Do I hear a Shamrock Shake calling me?

Not from Alabama.

Cannot get them there.

AG sad.

Sad, sad, baby.

Fried pie though. Can. get. there.

Jewish boys too.

Thank you Mountainbrook Jesus. more...

The Forgotten Chosen People

You heard about Alabama and Georgia getting snow, didn't you? Well, the oh so liberal New York Times loves to tell us about both snow and how the Jews don't count in the South. The article was changed about a half hour ago where it was even more Christian slanted because it was all about how everyone missed church today. Wow. Everyone. I guess the vast number of Jews that make up Atlanta can go matzoh off! They can also take the much smaller, but still present, folks in Birmingham with them too. Do not get me wrong, I know it's the Bible Belt, but we Jews and other non Christians do count for something even if it isn't talk of your taxes, health care, or Hollywood.

Oh, and do you notice how the story begins with Birmingham and then mentions Philadelphia? Just sayin'. La. La. more...

Dixieland

I am headed back to Alabama this week. This means that I won't be posting much late next week into the following week. It also means that I should think of some things I want to do while in the heart of Dixie. (In case you wonder, there is a full explanation of which states are considered Dixie states here and why Winn-Dixie is named such.)

I first began my search with a trip to the Tuscaloosa County homepage. This page is the epitome of my impression of Alabama. A mediocre picture of the new stadium at University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa and one simple click to probate records. I guess being dead is more important than being alive in a place that I would want to kill myself anyway. I suspect this is what public education and poverty will buy you in Alabama!

Let's begin with the food, shall we?

Bob Sykes is supposed to be one of the best. Just look at those decadent photos and tell me I am wrong. I double dog dare you.

I will not be going back here. My friend's Huntsville born and raised ex-boyfriend told me about this place. The place was a big time meh. Given my disappointment, I wrote him back to share my concerns with his suggestion. He pings me back to say that he was there in December and it's gone downhill. OK, here's a question -- then why did you recommend I go there? Seriously, I have too many drunken fools in my life.


This could be entertaining.

I'd really like to go here and on to Chattanooga for some fun. I have never been to TN and I'd be up for seeing Chattanooga such as Rock City Gardens and Ruby Falls.

If I am a real good girl, I might be able to talk a certain someone into returning here. While I was not bowled over by the red velvet cake, those hush puppies will keep me coming back for years.

Maybe something Jewish. I know that a Purim party is in my future and thankfully, I do not have to dress as Queen Esther.

If I wanted to be self hating, I could take a tour of the Mercedes Benz factory. Where people are forced to work in German sweat camps for the top salaries in the area. I think I will skip Mercauschwitz.

I will be too early for this. Too bad, because I would like a row job t-shirt. La. La. (I have to say, the website is lovely with some beautiful photos. Double La. La.)

I will stand in the schoolhouse door.

I may purchase this book in Alabama, if I can find it, for ACB's Mom. Since she is famous for her sewing and was in the paper and on the news yesterday.

I am very much looking forward to returning to Alabama next week. Despite the lack of things to do for this big city girl, the individual that I am going to see is what makes the trip worth it. more...

Ash Wednesday

Tonight, I will be with the Jews. I am feeling oh so Judah Macabee. We'll be hanging ten so we can paint some lamb's blood on our faces and remind ourselves of how we killed Jesus on a Popsicle stick. Oh wait, was I supposed to share that with y'all?

Seriously, I have an elegant Jewish event to attend at a local arts college. (The President is a Jew and a Williams grad. Don't worry, AG was happy to speak with him a few weeks ago and let him know that US News and World Reports got its head out of its tuckus and we are back where we've always been: above Williams!) The venue is expected to be quite lovely as the space is fantastic and will be complete with open bar and hors d'œuvres. Yep, I am planning on needing a ride home.

I will see all my little Jewish friends. I heart those kids and would take a bullet for each and everyone one of them. Don't get me wrong, I heart my non Jewish friends too, but I love going to events like this and being Jewish with my peeps. We do Jewishy things, whatever that means. Such as it will be talk of who got engaged, who got the best discount at Macy's this week, Facebooking discussions, who is graduating medical school and would be perfect for AG, the Oscars, and when we're going to have drinks and L'Chaim each other next. This is not to be confused with Shabbos dinners I get invited to and 20s and 30s mix and mingle events that I rock like its nobody's business.

Why is tonight different than all other nights, you ask? It has to do with the best part of the evening and that is that someone whose bedroom I've been in, wine I have consumed, Hanukkah gift I have in my wallet, juris degree I have seen, and face I have kissed, will be there. Oh, it's going to be a big night. Do not wait up, if you know what I mean...

And I look hot in my Ralph Lauren and sparkly outfit. It's all about AG tonight. Well AG and a few Baruch Atoi Adonais. more...