Passover Seder

You know Fish only comes over here for the pictures. So, Good Shabbos, my goyish boy toy.
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Last night I attended the Passover women's seder at my local synagogue. Yes, it's always before the actual holiday and this year's program was equally as nice as last years with exceptional singing and dancing. I always enjoy attending because I get to visit with my Jewish Ema and my gal pals. I was glad to see Ema, Meri, Judy*, Elena*, the Birthday Boy, Meri's husband, and a slew of older women that I am tight with. I have to say, our synagogue has some of the sweetest women. It really does and last night surely reminded me of that.

I was talking to my ALBT (Adorable Boyfriend), when I spotted Elena on the street. She grabbed me almost immediately within sight to ask me if I had her back. I was all, "Back?" Apparently some crazy started with her on the street because she wanted her parking spot. Oy, the synagogue drama is fun! I replied with, "I'm from Boston and New York. You know it!" The conversation drifted and it set the tone for the night.

This year we had assigned seating and since I knew Maura* and she's seen me intoxicated before, table three knew what to expect! In fact, table three is the only table that had five bottles of wine on it at the end of the night, instead of two. La. La. Right as Elena and I circle over to our table, a trio of women appear like hawks looking for their pray. The youngest is not very pleasant barking some orders at us about which seats we can have. Which seat AG can have? Bitch was clearly crazy. AG doesn't notice her because honestly, her brassy hair is making the eyes tear and there is something else far more interesting. I instantly spot the oldest one who looks like this. She had the four carat ring and everything. Oy gevalt was she stunning in her Bubbie glory.

She was pure fodder for the three hours I was there. The best part about her though wasn't that she tried to introduce me to her 45-year-old Boca Raton attorney son who has never had a relationship last more than six weeks, or that she brought her slave with her, or even that she informed me that her six inches high hair was not done last night because she didn't have time to "go to the beauty parlor." It was what Elena pointed out to me between the bitters and the maror. She pulled something out of her purse and began to discuss it with us.

Contest time! Can you guess what little gem of a gift she brought to the Passover seder. Trust me, no guess is too outlandish. Go ahead, try it.

At the end of the night, I found my tambourine that I decorated but someone swiped for themselves, (bitch, please!) left intoxicated (I paid $25, I was getting that amount worth of food, fun, and drink), got into it with my Ema for looking for another adopted daughter, and found out Bubbie belongs to Judy! Judy has the best Bubbie. Eva.

I am totally borrowing her next Shabbos and we are so going to George's where she will get me schtupped without a doubt. I did mention this to the ALBT and he was down with it. So, we're all good here. George's Happy Hour is filled with the Jews from the mainline who are dressed in Polo and talking about Devon Days. In other words, they speak AG shiksa!

Oh and in case you are wondering, yes, I am hungover today. I was still spinning when I woke up after throwing up while on the phone with the ALBT. I also may have fallen asleep on him over the phone and Alisa is pissed because I did not show up at the concert last night. Wah. Wah. Anyone have an Alka Seltzer because cheap, low ETOH, sugar laden kosher wine is killing me!

*Names are changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. more...