Learning Lessons

I was forced to face two things about myself yesterday, and they were not easy lessons:

1. I am spoiled
2. I am irrationally afraid of the southern United States

#1

I was born an only daughter, oldest granddaughter on one side and youngest on the other to a JAP first born. I came of age in a political family where Ethan Allen was on the speed dial, prep schools were paid for in cash, and parents did not discuss money because it was dispensed like droplets of water on cold dewy April mornings. I never really realized how spoiled I was until I did something awful to someone yesterday. When it became apparent to me that I had hurt someone that I care a great deal for, I felt almost no remorse at first. In my mind, I was just doing what I always do – getting my way. So, what was the problem?

I have frequently had things handed to me. When you grow up in the shadows of twin siblings as a non twin, the world is a bizarre complex organism that makes very little sense. On one hand, you are the outsider always looking into the miraculous world that twins are granted because they shared a womb. Yet, the world looks to you with excited eyes too, because you walk and talk alone. You have no replica. As a child growing up in this environment, I discovered how to work it to my advantage. Having two incredibly brilliant brothers, we did not fight like normal siblings. There was no pushing their sister down and stealing her baby dolls. Instead it was measuring your sister and then placing things just high enough that she could not rest her fingers on them. It was about bragging about SATs scores that your sister would have to wait four years before she could de-throne you. It was also about your little sister taking the one thing you hated most; having a shadow and making grist at the mill out of it. Said sister would announce every 11th of September just how wonderful it was to have a party of her very own. Bubie and Zaidie were coming to see her. Not anybody else. They were coming solely for her. Not for duo, oh noes. Not for niente. For uno! Burn, bitches.

When they went off to boarding school and then college, AG stayed behind and took over the yard. From about age 14 onwards, AG became an only child. The parents may not have noticed this much but the cleaning and maid staff noticed pretty quickly who was to be catered to and who was now calling the shots.

What I learned from this disgraceful experience is that the world will give you whatever you want in these circumstances. You never have to want for anything. And that is a cushy little place upon which to rest your bones. However, you learn greed and disrespect for others. You learn to game the system and how to control the stakes. The end result is bad behaviors that hurt others in the process.

#2
I am petrified of the American south. I have explored most of the US with the exception of most of the southern states (TN, LA, MS). Therefore, I am putting this out there with full disclosure: I am afraid of what I do not know. Growing up in the Northeast, the south was often portrayed as poor, dirty, and undereducated. Thus there is absolutely no reason for me to say this other than out of fear and stereotypes that were taught to me by others and self perpetuated. To some extent, they were not incorrect and MS frightens me as it is the poorest state in the nation.

I am pledging to come to terms with both of these issues this year. I have been challenged by the merits of having the influence of someone who has finally encouraged me to learn guilt and have some self respect. I did someone dirty recently and in doing so, hurt said person deeply. After I was made aware of my actions, I realized that while I am spoiled, I have the ability to control that and no longer be a victim to it. To apologize and improve myself and in doing so love someone more than I love myself. A lesson I should have learned like most around the age of seven. Sadly, not all of us grow at the same pace...

As I come to terms with my lack of self awareness, I am going to be exposed to the "deep south". I am being granted the opportunity to visit the south over the next few months and walk hand and hand with someone who will hold my hand a little longer and stronger when I show signs of fear. When I breathe a little harder and cry a little longer. He will care for me as I overcome my fears and see abject poverty up close and personal. His family will afford me solace in a world of greed and hunger. They will be there to explain to me anything I wonder and wipe my tears as I come to accept the world is not filled with all things perfect, easy, or elegant. (Yes, I weep whenever I see the true side of America that I did not come of age in. The last time I did this was in poor Northeast Philadelphia) Given such, I am taking back something I uttered last night.

I no longer want my old life back. I am learning to embrace my new life and the people who are in it. I am no longer afraid. I am running, not strolling, to what feels good and comfortable. I will no longer try to question or fight it. Rather I will accept and love everything about my life. Fear or no fear, spoiled or not spoiled, I am more fortunate today than I have ever been in my life. For that, I thank everyone who has made my new life this orgasmic. I could not have reached the summit without you! more...