Facebook Will Destroy You and Steal Your Wife

Facebook is one of those things that us kewl kids got in on the beta site (That's right, bitches) and never bothered to use for like four years. Then we got into, then we got out of it, then we got into and now we're looking to get out again. It's like Wii and Guitar Hero, the 90210 crowd are the tipping pointers, not the hanger oners. It's time to go Speed, go!

Then there are the kids that think Facebook validates them. Seriously, if you need FB to validate who you are, how you feel about yourself, your aspirations to be high school prom queen (La. La. is all AG is saying) you are in real trouble. Do not pass go, Do not collect $200. Run to your local batshit crazy shrink's office and get yourself into some sort of dysfunctional three times a week relationship and make sure s/he writes a good dose of Lorazapam and IV Zyprexa for watching Martha Stewart in the mornings.

Everyone knows that beyond your relationship status who gives a fuck about Facebook? And the only reason relationship status even matters is so that AG doesn't hit on your hot Jewish tuckus that is MARRIED. (Except Fishstick. AG will always want a turn of his knob. Married, not married, or into Tibetan transsexual porn, whatevs.) Remember, hot is the imperative in that statement.

If you did not peak in high school and found yourself outside of the Molly Ringwald or Emilio Estevez role, let the dream die. That is pretty much as good as it gets. You've got no prayer. Let the dream die. Put on some Morrissey and let it all hang out. Facecrack is not going to save you. Being popular is over-rated any way. It cuts into your social life, you spend half your days having to hide your GPA from the C average crowd, you spend a ton of time at the mall, and talking about insipid shit that one day you will resent. The good news is though, one day you'll have a four carat ring to show-off if you come from that crowd. (You don't want a four carat ring anyway because think of the insurance policy you have to carry just to wear that thing to a Junior League Martinis and Miseltoe event.)

OT, but related, AG knows Rich Zeoli. He's a GOP cobag just like his uncle and cousin. Goddamn Sussex County, New Jersey is as frustrating as Sussex County, Delaware.