They'll Need A Crane

Inspired by drfitglass' recent post, I recall these conversations:

Tax Assessor:  Hello, Tax Assessment.

Z:  Hi, I live at (redacted) and we recently bought the house.  I see on our first new assessment, the value includes a detached garage.

TA:  Yes, I see that it does.

Z:  But we don't HAVE a garage.

TA.  The assessment says you do.

Z.  I am looking out the window at our driveway and I assure you there is no garage there. 

TA:  the assessor's visit notes indicate he saw a garage.

Z.  I would like for the assessor to come out here and show me this garage, because we have been parking our cars outside, and would like to begin using this garage.

TA.  The construction permit records indicate a garage was built there many years ago.

Z.  I am pretty sure it was torn down before we purchased the house.

TA.  the assessor came out to your property, looked around and noted that there was a garage.  accessed from (redacted street A).

Z.  O, I think I see what happened.  Although our address is (redacted street A), the house is on the corner and the driveway is on (redacted street B).  I believe he was looking up our neighbor's driveway and saw our neighbor's garage.

TA.  I assure you that our assessment inspectors rarely make mistakes.

Z.  And I assure you there is no garage on our property.  My survey, the mortgage, my house inspector, and REALITY all indicate the assessment is in error.

TA.  OK, sir, but we are unable to remove the garage from the assessment because a demo permit was never issued.

Z :  --------

TA:  Sir?

Z  ...are you suggesting that in order to reduce my tax assessment for the garage that doesn't exist, I need to obtain a demolition permit?  For a garage that doesn't exist?

TA.  You make it sound silly.

Later that day, at the permitting department.  I meet a young lady sitting at a desk behind a counter.  With a TYPEWRITER (wikiwakiwoo link for the kiddies).

Z:  Hello.

Permit Woman:  Can I help you?

Z:  I hope so.  I need to get a demolition permit for my garage.

PW:  OK.  (putting a form into the typewriter)  Name and Address?

Z:  Zombie.  (street redacted)

PW:  Reason for demolition?

Z:  I.... I don't know how to answer that.

PW:  (HEAVY sigh).  Well, why does the garage need to be torn down?

Z:  -----  (thinking about why a non existent garage may need to be further non-existentacized).

PW:  (increasingly exasperated)  Look, was it fire damaged?

Z.  (leaning on counter)  OK, here's the thing.  We just bought the house last year.  The Tax Assessor's office has mistakenly assessed us for a garage, that we are pretty sure was torn down before we bought the property.  You can still see some kind of foundation remnants.  But the Tax Man says he can't reduce our assessment because the demo permit was never issued.  So we don't have any idea WHY the garage was torn....

PW. Oh, I see.   (pulling form from typewriter, then yelling to a couple of desks over)  Lorraine!  I need a couple of  43-Bs over here! 

[time to draw a curtain over the scene, Kafka is getting irritated]

[We still don't have a garage.  But at least we're not getting charged for not having a garage.  Or having one, for that matter]