Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Worst Joke Ever

I have heard about conservative humor. Never actually SEEN any, mind you, it seems to be a rare breed. PJ O'Rourke hasn't been funny since he stopped doing drugs and started golfing, and Dennis Miller, the next most touted conservative humorist, broadcast a weapons grade painful TV show, that couldn't even be saved by adding a monkey.

So I was all excited to see a 'humorous' conservative poster (or t-shirt or something) over on Digby's site. Finally! Conservative Funny!

...wait. This seems... not funny. Let's take a look:


KNOW THY ENEMY

Facts About Liberals

The main diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them puny and easy to throw.
Hey. I'm a big guy. Try to throw me and you'll hurt yourself.

  • Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. Counter with a bitch slap.
Because logic, of course, is impossible to counter without violence. At least for some people.

Isaac Asimov once wrote, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” For some brand new breeds of incompetent, it's apparently the first resort.

Oh, and to be just a bit snippy, do not confuse violence with self defense. Self defense in the actual meaning of the term, not owning guns because you think they're bitchin. Try to bitch slap me and you might just end up with a broken arm. Or neck. Some of the black belt techniques are a bit - final.
  • Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.
Actually, the picture of ol Ronald Raygun has nothing to do with it. We just don't like you.
  • Liberals are against nuclear weapons but have yet to suggest a soy-based substitute that can obliterate entire cities.
This is weird. Not really funny, but weird. Let's try one: Conservatives are against gay marriage but have yet to invent a gun that can decorate a loft. No? How about: Conservatives are against abortion but have never proposed a tax break that can keep a woman poor. It's harder than it looks.

  • If you see a fuel-efficient car, it’s probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.
This is especially funny now that gas is headed to $4 a gallon. And will be even funnier when the ice caps melt and the oceans are four or five feet higher.
  • Liberals are constantly inflaming the culture war. They seem to forget which side has all the guns.
This seems to be another threat. Culture War. Another paranoid fantasy war on an indeterminate noun.
  • The most dangerous predator of liberals is the real world. They hide from it in college campuses.
As opposed to conservatives who fear the real world and hide from it in large corporations or by moving far away from other people and hoarding guns. (or herding goons). In extreme cases where the real world and real people become impossible to ignore, Conservatives like to blow them up.

  • Inspired by rhyming slogans and giant puppets, liberals sometimes congregate into groups known as “protests.” The purpose of these is unknown.
Conservatives have NEVER gotten the hang of the social arena. Large groups of people are frightening and incomprehensible.

  • Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!
“Violence Is The Last Refuge Of The Incompetent” Liberals ALSO believe that the right to swing your arms ends at my nose. But try to punch me pink boy, and I'll put you down. Tolerate a crescent kick at your ear, toad.



Well, that was... icky. I feel slightly soiled. Apparently, this conservative has largely confused humor with violence. Too much Three Stooges at an early age, I think. He internalized the punching as the humorous part. Must have been a hard kid to joke with. “Hey, knock knock” “who's there?” [punch].

Kind of sad, really.

Well, until we see some more of this excellent Conservative Humor, remember, look to Liberals for Teh Funny!

7 comments:

  1. "Conservatives are against gay marriage but have yet to invent a gun that can decorate a loft."

    Brilliant. You should consider a rebuttal: Fun Facts about Conservatives.

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  2. Tsk.

    You boyz is all het up and feeeelin the snark, ain'tcha jus? Yee haw, but all of us knuckledraggin' NASCAR southern boyz just have to have us a little vie-o-lens to really work up a good yuk. We ain't quite so refined as you gosh durned high falootin lib-ee-rawls.

    Seriously, though-- could you guys overgeneralize a little more? You find one moronic and hackneyed T-shirt and from that conclude that conservatives don't know, and are incapable of being, funny?

    tc, I am afraid I shall have to report you to the Logic Police. This is a clear cut case of a Fallacy of Insufficient Statistics.

    Though I shall inform the Logic Court of past well-argued and logical statements that you have made, I do not know how much leniency you can expect. I suspect that you will have to deconstruct at least two Straw Men, and complete a deductive argument. Harsh, I know, but you that's how those judges tend to be-- no sense of humor whatsoever.

    Must be conservatives.

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  3. Nick, Nick, Nick.

    I wasn't trying to extrapolate. I was saying that I haven't seen any examples of conservative humor that was, you know, humorous. And saying that this was a most recent example of singularly unfunny conservative humor.

    Okay, I admit that I picked this as an example because of his predilection towards violence, and the idea that his violent tendencies would receive no opposition from a liberal. As I point out, I'm a liberal, and I don't think I would be a pushover.

    Insufficient statistics because of insufficient examples, yes.

    I'm looking for examples of conservative humor here, not people who are funny that have a conservative POV, like Drew Carey.

    And after the reagan-bush years, the one sided negotiation during Clinton's appointments, and our current MisRuler's delegations, of course any judges I come up against will be conservative. It's a given.

    The thing I like about judges is that for most of them, conservative or no, they have a tendency to acutally interpret the law using the case before them and logic and precedent, rather than determining how a case should come out in ideological terms.

    You're a southern boy Nick? South side of Kaukauna, I believe?

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  4. You weren't trying to extrapolate? Hmmm...

    "As opposed to conservatives who fear the real world and hide from it in large corporations or by moving far away from other people and hoarding guns. (or herding goons). In extreme cases where the real world and real people become impossible to ignore, Conservatives like to blow them up."

    "Conservatives have NEVER gotten the hang of the social arena. Large groups of people are frightening and incomprehensible."


    So, these aren't meant to be applied liberally (hah! I am funny) to most, maybe all conservatives based on this one bonehead's t-shirt? I'll grant that on most of the points you confine yourself to ridiculing just that dufus, but I think saying you weren't trying to extrapolate is a bit disingenuous.

    As to the rest-- finding political humor with which you disagree is somewhat pointless. Since you disagree with it, you will be hard pressed to find the humor in it. Not saying it's impossible, but fairly unlikely. An inherent problem with topical/time sensitive humor. For example, I really didn't find anything particularly humorous at the two links in your post. Weird and peculiar, but not really funny.

    Far south side of Kaukauna, originally. Well, okay, out in the country about seven miles from good ole K-town. Managed to avoid the worst of the paper mill stench out there. Family moved to the South side when I was a freshman-- bro and sis were off at college by then.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not extrapolate about conservative humor no.

    As far as tarring all conxervatives with a brush, just as broadly as the original humorist was doing with liberals- but we all know that for the visible face of the Republican Party these days, conformity to Party lines is enforced. I don't see a hell of a lot of conservatives raising any cry about rampant cronyism and corruption, or criminal disregard for fiscal restraint.

    Well, except maybe Grover Norquist, But he's the full-bore wacked out loon of the Republican Party- tolerated until he gets drunk enough to start talking too loudly.


    One of the threads in this argument that I see is that to be a conservative, people tend to have some respect for history and authority, the status quo. A humorist tends to have little respect for anything, particularly the powerful. Hence, there tends to be not a lot of conservative humor.

    And yes, people tend to find less humo when its their own sacred cow being gored. But if you look at the 'Late Night' factor, oplitical humorists tend to go after the ones in power of either Party, regardless of their own personal affiliations, because it's a richer source of material.

    As Will Durst says, regardless of who's in power: "I think (fill in the blank) is a great President. But then, I'm a political comic. I get my material delivered to my door every freakin day."

    Do you have the ability to laugh at your own? That's the key.

    Far south side of Kaukauna- yup, you're a real Son of The South, there boah. Real Confederate Soul.

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  6. Weird and peculiar, but not really funny.

    I resemble that remark!

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