The Worst Joke Ever

I have heard about conservative humor. Never actually SEEN any, mind you, it seems to be a rare breed. PJ O'Rourke hasn't been funny since he stopped doing drugs and started golfing, and Dennis Miller, the next most touted conservative humorist, broadcast a weapons grade painful TV show, that couldn't even be saved by adding a monkey.

So I was all excited to see a 'humorous' conservative poster (or t-shirt or something) over on Digby's site. Finally! Conservative Funny!

...wait. This seems... not funny. Let's take a look:

KNOW THY ENEMY

Facts About Liberals

The main diet of the liberal is tofu and granola. This makes them puny and easy to throw.

Hey. I'm a big guy. Try to throw me and you'll hurt yourself.

• Liberals will try to entice you with their twisted logic. Counter with a bitch slap.

Because logic, of course, is impossible to counter without violence. At least for some people.

Isaac Asimov once wrote, “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” For some brand new breeds of incompetent, it's apparently the first resort.

Oh, and to be just a bit snippy, do not confuse violence with self defense. Self defense in the actual meaning of the term, not owning guns because you think they're bitchin. Try to bitch slap me and you might just end up with a broken arm. Or neck. Some of the black belt techniques are a bit - final.

• Hanging a picture of Ronald Reagan over your door will keep liberals from entering.

Actually, the picture of ol Ronald Raygun has nothing to do with it. We just don't like you.

• Liberals are against nuclear weapons but have yet to suggest a soy-based substitute that can obliterate entire cities.

This is weird. Not really funny, but weird. Let's try one: Conservatives are against gay marriage but have yet to invent a gun that can decorate a loft. No? How about: Conservatives are against abortion but have never proposed a tax break that can keep a woman poor. It's harder than it looks.

• If you see a fuel-efficient car, it’s probably being driven by a liberal. Run it off the road with your SUV.

This is especially funny now that gas is headed to $4 a gallon. And will be even funnier when the ice caps melt and the oceans are four or five feet higher.

• Liberals are constantly inflaming the culture war. They seem to forget which side has all the guns.

This seems to be another threat. Culture War. Another paranoid fantasy war on an indeterminate noun.

• The most dangerous predator of liberals is the real world. They hide from it in college campuses.

As opposed to conservatives who fear the real world and hide from it in large corporations or by moving far away from other people and hoarding guns. (or herding goons). In extreme cases where the real world and real people become impossible to ignore, Conservatives like to blow them up.

• Inspired by rhyming slogans and giant puppets, liberals sometimes congregate into groups known as “protests.” The purpose of these is unknown.

Conservatives have NEVER gotten the hang of the social arena. Large groups of people are frightening and incomprehensible.

• Liberals are always whining about tolerance, but when I punch them for that, they get moody. Hey, be tolerant!

“Violence Is The Last Refuge Of The Incompetent” Liberals ALSO believe that the right to swing your arms ends at my nose. But try to punch me pink boy, and I'll put you down. Tolerate a crescent kick at your ear, toad.



Well, that was... icky. I feel slightly soiled. Apparently, this conservative has largely confused humor with violence. Too much Three Stooges at an early age, I think. He internalized the punching as the humorous part. Must have been a hard kid to joke with. “Hey, knock knock” “who's there?” [punch].

Kind of sad, really.

Well, until we see some more of this excellent Conservative Humor, remember, look to Liberals for Teh Funny!