A spoonful of Q

Q is a beauty isn't she? In all of her 25 amigas shtetl, she stands just so louder and prouder than the other others. So svelte, so alluring, the sex appeal is indescribable. You know you want to turn down the lights, put on some Kenny G., a glass of expensive vino next to the davenport, and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. You know, you do!

With Q, this month the theme is living off the spoon. AG's life is no longer her own. Between manuscripts, speaking engagements, social events associated with May and June, and being in heart, it's all becoming a dizzying area of licks and sniffs to keep me afloat. My stress level is tighter than a room full of choir boys and priests.

AG will be returning to the south for the full-on Southern tour before rolling off like a row tide on a European tour followed by Mexico later this summer. (Please clean the place ASAP.) Europe will be followed in the fall by a trip to the Canary Islands and maybe even some golf and sun in Phoenix while AG is out of her cage. Boston, the vineyard, the Berkshires, Long Island and Manhattan, all need to get worked into the equation between June and August. California will wait until Chanukkah. AG's dance card is full and the summer has not even left the sanctuary yet. Boy vey.

I find in stressful times like this, I can only work in smaller segments. The first half of May: This month I will be attending a graduation, missing a bridal shower, seeing the Natchez Trail, giving up tickets to Radnor Days, hopefully going for AG's very own personal airplane ride above the Mississippi Delta, (It pays to know Jewish PhDs with toys. La. La.)a speaking engagement in NOLA, missing another bridal shower, and finishing with some down time in Pensacola and if AG can swindle, Destin as well. There may also be a trip to Unclaimed Baggage and Chattanooga. May, if AG can keep time with his feet.

I will be meeting a lot of new and old friends and family along the way. To that end, I have been researching Pappelbom and Favre's hometown for some time now. I am intrigued by Mississippi to no end, as y'all know. Here's a few places I plan on visiting during my crossing of the Forest-Lamar region:

AG loves ice cream, even if the g-d loving crazies are not open on Sundays. There is debate in a certain camp over this which means, AG will be given a map and sent there on her own. More for AG...

Leetha's is supposed to have amazing BBQ. The in-laws will be taking me there. I am hopeful they will understand my need to wear pearls, Chanel, and don laboratory strength gloves when we visit. (I know Abba will. He gets AG.)

I will be going to Coney Island and eating nothing. Nada. Miss Vicky will be none too pleased from what I have been told. AGs have come a long way in the past year, but somethings never change! All any of us can do is wait until AG-let crawls out from under the table one day and also refuses to eat "poor food." There is nothing better than shaming a family that talks funny and has rules on how recipes are handed down between the generations. This is an odd juxtaposition to AG because NY metro Jews just pass down the direct line to Masa, Grammercy Park Tavern, and Bouley and get on with our lives.

AG will also be going here. Or somewhere like it. AG will let the cat out of the bag on this and because she is so calling out someone's bluff on the Internets and Facebook, where only true things are stated. Over an amazing sushi dinner here, AG decided to fire it up. There had been discussions before, but someone (not AG!) would suggest it and then take it back. After enough takesees backsees, AG thought she was sinking the 8 ball in the back pocket with getting down to brass tacks over dinner last Saturday night. Joke was on AG when AG said something that even AG never thought would come out of her mouth: "Brandeis, that was dirty pool. (grin on face) I honestly never thought you had it in you. Whew. (pregnant pause) Well played, Sir. Well played." Probably the closest to speechless AG ever was, even over Texas in Madison, WI.

Pause.

Can we discuss food for a moment in Puerto Rico? Forget the beach and golf course. Food in PR has come along way in the five years since I had last been. You also know how magnificent Old San Juan is and the 70% retail Dooney and Bourke wallet Brandeis purchased or the jewelery that AG brought home? The world came to a crash for a moment on this trip when AG found out this fine example of culinary delights is no more. How can we discuss 70% retail with this news? OK, that we can discuss because afterall I am a Jew! However, sad, sad face. Circle back to Budatai for a moment with me, please. While some dishes were delightful such as a pork dumplings though not orgasmic, and some where meh like the peago (spicy tuna katsu), the super star of the night was the geisha roll -- lobster, cream cheese, jicama, and meringue kisses with caramel swizzled over top. Better than Dice-K at Fugakyu, people. Better. No, really! As we strolled into the sex shop (Right, because you haven't found it fun to look over the porn on vacation when nobody knows your mug for miles.), Brandeis spots the menu in the window at this Japanese hibatchi cafe. Where the sides are fried rice, $4.95 and lobster tail, $22.95. A Snag meets MenDee kinda place, no doubt.

We stroll along further to have Haagen Daaz, which I assure Brandeis is not like home. I mean, it's Pillsbury people, but much like my rule in foreign lands on Domino's (I know where they send their profits and won't give them the time of day in the US.), it is much better than what you will find at the Mall of America or on South Beach. That is Minneapolis sponsored crap on a cone. In PR and other lands of foreign-ish culture -- not so. While the pralines and pecan delight was good, none of this takes away the spotlight from the $400 dinner for four that I host here. The lobster tail special I had was beyond. Beyond, as my Bubie would say. Said lobster tail was at least three pounds and more than half landed on Brandeis' plate because not even Joey Chestnut could have finished that alone.

Where was I now? Oh right, red velvet, fried green tomatoes, Cokes that are really Sierra Mists, and pearls --- the South! I have dinner reservations for Antoine's following my stay at the Ritz. There will be mufalattas and hurricanes along the way. No sweet tea, though. AG is a Yankee. She is OK with that. You and your Mama should be too.

We'll have something at the Waysider in Tuscaloosa at some point and I always love me a hush puppy from Miss Melissa. Mother's Day may involve some gardens and visiting. AG will hold the babies, meet colleagues and friends, be adored by the Zaidie and Bubie, and learn Southern Yiddish from a Yankee transplant. There will be rides in the car filled with Counting Crows, no pugs in the shake, and laughter. There will also be no doubt that romance filled nights as the stars fall on Alabama, and pecan pie that he now calls "PEE-Kan" will surround us.

So what does this all have to do with Q? Well, Q is for Qba Libra of course! Two things Puerto Rico is known for Pina Coladas and QLs in the Bat Cave. Where will your Q be this summer?