Heart-On

I never thought I'd ever get tired of playing games
But I've been holding back for too long
Now the time has come to get it right
Now's the time to show them all that they're wrong

'Cos they said thunder and they said lightning
It would never strike twice
Oh but if that's true, why can't you tell me
How come this feels so nice, Oh it feels alright

Never ever did believe in guiding lights
'Cos what you didn't hold, slipped away
Oh but there's a feeling deep down in my shoe
'Cos things look like they're going my way

'Cos they say thunder and they say lightning
It would never strike twice
Oh but if that's true, why can't you tell me
How come this feels so nice, Oh it feels alright

I never ever did believe in a second chance
You get, just one crack of the whip, that's all
If you played the game, you got treated right
Oh but I'm not playing the game, no more


'Cos they say thunder and they say lightning
It would never strike twice
Oh but if that's true, why can't you tell me
How come this feels so nice, Oh it feels alright


I am off to Alabama shortly. I suspect it will be beyond my wildest imagination and it will push me to a place I have never been before: I will confront all of my fears and hopes and give into the fight. Not wanting to turn this into my diary and respect the privacy of others, I am not sure how much I should or can say here. Nevertheless, I would like to say something about Valentine’s Day and what it means to me this year. Please note that despite what I am sharing and what I am not sharing, I am better and stronger because of everything. I am a survivor and I have been granted a new outlook on life.

2007-2008 was the hardest year of my life. It was also in some ways, the best thing that ever happened to me. I became a steel magnolia in the process and for that I will always think it was worth everything including the pain and angst that I endured. There was not a day when it didn’t feel like the world was pushing me to the brink of self destruction. It was my darkest of all days. And many of you don’t even know the half of it because the most important of it didn’t happen until late summer. By then I was simply too fatigued to talk to anyone. I also never thought it was fair to those who weren’t as lucky as me and who had to endure the full scariness of it. As such, I just kept it to myself.

I don’t think we can ever know why we are tested. Why good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people. What we can be certain of is that life is waiting for the moment. There was a moment in October that changed my life forever. I don’t believe for one minute that even the gypsies on the boardwalk with their crystal balls could have known that it would transpire or what would become of it. I certainly was not prepared for it as I desperately tried to hold onto the last shred of my rope that was unraveling into a thin thread of nothingness. Then came October. As I struggled to put the loss of Bubie behind me, I found something that was beyond my own understanding and something that brought more purpose and love than I could have ever asked for.

Who knows why one minute in time can change us forever. How two souls come to dance by the moonlight without any prior contact or interaction? What I do believe we know is that we must be open to it and learn to surrender when the time is right. I was never one to surrender. I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t know how to let go and let life take. I spent a difficult childhood learning to thrash against the walls and hold onto the rope until there was nothing left. Even when nothing was left, I still clung to the last bastion of nothingness. I sought to control everything. Fighting to never fail. Fighting to want more than I deserved or needed. Fighting to fight. It made sense at the time and it probably made it possible for me to be here today. Without that fight, I never would have survived. I am not sure I will ever know if it was just, right, or fair. All I will know is that it was and the proclivity to act upon it in such outlandish ways made sense at the time. I’m still alive – so it couldn’t have been all together wrong.

Something changed everything in November of 2008. I witnessed how vicious life can be. How you can do everything right and still fail. How you have no control even when you have control as the master of your own fate and the captain of your ship. I learned that Bubie was right – she was the only one who could make it easy on me because the rest of the world would not. And said world was not kind to me at all. It took everything I had left. It left me dejected and unable to cope. Unable to believe in anything, including myself. It pinched at the very pit of my stomach and looked me right in the face and puked all over me. For the first time ever, I retreated. I allowed myself to feel pain. To feel anger. It was at that point that it took everything I had in order to just get up every day and breathe in and out. I suspect I did so by finally putting words to these feelings and finding a place and group of loved ones to speak to about all of this. I owe said people my life!

However, I always had October through it all, in some mild shape or form. October will never know what it means to me. How could it? I still wouldn’t surrender to October in 2008. Not even when the bottom totally fell out from under me in December and I had nothing left to believe in. Nothing left to hope for. Nothing. I often wonder if October remembers what it said to me. That moment in the car as I was driving through the Poconos when someone said to me, “That’s so amazing that you wanted to call me when you found out. I am really touched.” I think I knew more than he did at that very moment and I doubt he even remembers that brief moment we shared, that his kindness would change my life forever.

Fast forward to 12 February, it’s all coming true. I will be landing in Birmingham tomorrow afternoon. There he will be standing waiting for me. Watching me take everything I have just to put one foot in front of the other as I make my way through the arrivals gates. He will be there waiting for me. Waiting to pull me into him and tell me that it’s going to be alright.

For the first time in my life, I trust someone without reservations. I will surrender to all of this. I will give into the fight and let go. I am not going to hold onto the wall anymore. He will never know that he saved me from the dark side of me. He will never know that I was at the point of considering taking my life and walking away from everything. Those few calls he made in the late evenings saved me from what could have been the not so perfect ending to the bad day. How could he? None of you knew, let alone those who saw me every day or whenever I could get together with them for a meal or conversation. I wasn’t even aware of it until I found myself doing something I wasn’t supposed to and it scared me more than anything ever has in my life.

Nobody knows for certain where my life will find me next week or next year, or tomorrow for that matter. What I do know is that, I will always be grateful for him and what he did for me without ever knowing it. Come what may, I will be thankful for the blip in time we’ve shared. The world is blessed today because of him and I have to wonder if he really knows that because I will always be grateful to two people who made him possible. For today, my cup truly has runneth over…

So, Happy Valentine’s Day! Go out and believe in love. Not because you need to. Not because you have to. Go out and believe in love because you are open to the warmth of it and the power it has to change your life forever. To keep us safe from ourselves when we have reached the end of our rope and we look up and we realize that all it takes is one sentence, one look, and one belief to draw us back in. To save us from our destructive selves.

I love each and everyone one of you. Thank you for being you and never giving up or giving into the darkness. Thunder and lightning has stuck twice!

Bubie, your dream has been accomplished.