Ask a Grammar Zombie
Yes, it's a new feature on the Empire, in response to the nearly THREE emails asking for new content, especially if I could do it through annoying pointless nitpicking. Since I am a can-do zombie, I pulled my leg back on and put in my good eye, scraped the scum of my remaining cheek and pulled together this piece of half-digested tripe. Enjoy!!
Our first question is from Cluverline Wilder, who departed this life unexpectedly :
dear Grammar Zombie.....
Our next question comes from recently living Mr. Deirdre Strategic of Beetown, received by carrier gopher:
Is the word "media" plural or singular?DEPENDS ON HOW MANY BRAINZ YOU ARE EATING. FOR INSTANCE, SEAN HANNITY BARELY HAS ONE BRAINZ AND WOULD NOT EVEN MAKE FOR SINGULAR APPETIZER. FOX AND FRIENDS ARE PLURAL MEDIA BUT THEIR BRAINZ TASTE AWFUL. MEET THE PRESS MEETS HUNGRY ZOMBIE ATTACK!!! BRAINZZZ!!!
The intertubes deliver a great question from Great-Aunt Deduct Lapnooke:
What is UP with affect and effect? How do I know which to use?ONCE I EAT YOUR BRAINZZZ, IT WILL AFFECT YOUR ABILITY TO WALK AND TALK. IN EFFECT, YOU WILL BECOME A ZOMBIE. ARE WE CLEAR NOW? SEND MORE GREAT-AUNTS!!!
Next up is a query from the departed Ethelcee Fishnolvohclel:
When do I CAPITALIZE people's job titles?NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE, YOU BRAIN-EATED LOSER. SHEESH. SOMETIMES YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO EAT THE BRAINZZZ.
Here is an urgent holiday question from former Staff Sergeant Barbecue Cookie Queen:
When I'm writing and I put "The Skimmer and I" towards the end of a sentence, I know that is wrong. But, something inside makes me want to do it anyway. Damn the rules of the English language! So, should it be "me and the skimmer"? Or "the skimmer and me"?SKIMMER AND YOU EAT BRAINZZZ!! YOU AND SKIMMER!!! BRAINZZZ!!!
From the newly deceased First Lieutenant Telephoning Madhouse:
When do I use "Fred and I" and when do I use "Fred and me"?FRED AND I GOT OUR BRAINZZ EATED!!! ZOMBEEZ EATED FRED AND ME!!! AIEEE!!!!
Finally, we got a phone call from soon-to-be-dead Pope Jessica:
I need help with who and whom!Contact Snag for quick disposal of whomever's bodies. WHO YOU ATE BRAINZ OF!!!
ASK A GRAMMAR ZOMBIE will be an irregular and occasional feature. Empire Of The Senseless, always a useful source for useless advice, insufferable musical pedantry and angry tirades.
Of course, mad zombee props to Righteous Bubba Zombie and his Name Generator. The Cuc was completely Unanticipated. Smart guy like that, probably has really tasty brainz.
this post is full of brainz!
ReplyDeletewell done grammar zombie, we salute you!
btw, i have a title suggestion for your next book:
ReplyDelete"eats brainz and leaves."
(punctuate as necessary.)
Dear Grammar Zombie,
ReplyDeleteWhen do I lie and when do I lay?
I look forward to the love advice columns.
ReplyDeleteDear zombie:
Every time I fall asleep, my wife ties me to a sacrificial altar and tries to cut my heart out as a gift to Satan. What should I do?
FISH AND ZELMO:
ReplyDeleteLOVIN IS HARD FOR THE ZOMBIES. SOFT TISSUE IS THE FIRST THING TO ROT, YOU KNOW.
Who were those three e-mails from? Seriously, which folks have nothing else to do but determine what OUR content should be? Why don't they get their heads out of their boyfriends' crotches and get their own content and blogs.
ReplyDeleteYou'll note that when AG has her head in AB's crotch: SHE DOESN'T E-MAIL OTHERS AND TELL THEM HOW TO LIVE THEIR LIVES.
Oh wait. That just answered who two of our pushy e-mailers are out there.
Seriously.
AG has a keyboard and you do not on this blog: SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I TYPE.
Gawd.
And if it is Zelmo, call me! K?!!
I'm AG, and I approve of the public service announcement.
P.S. That's not Fish's wife who is doing that to him. :P
Oh and media is plural fer sures. My PhD friend who teaches tech writing gets all bent out of shape over that.
ReplyDeleteThe more interesting is A MYRIAD OF or MYRIAD. Nobody seems to confirm that for AG.
That was NEARLY three, AG. rounding up. From pure Friends of the Empire, so calm down missy.
ReplyDeleteMore than one AG: a Myriad of AGs? an indignation of AGs? an eruption of AGs?
help out a zombie here.
Plus, "First Lieutenant Telephoning Madhouse" has me reaching for a trash can...
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Unanticipated Cuc.
I look forward to the love advice columns.
ReplyDeleteLOL!!
AG, it was ME -- I was one of the just regular humans who emailed The Zombie for grammatical advice since he is always all...."What is up with THAT?!"
I thought it would be a funny jokey thing! But, I was also kind of serious. It would be nice to learn some of the things I do not know! lol
And I have NO TIME for Strunk and White!!
I completely look forward to the AG/BG cage match throwdown.
ReplyDeleteSerious? Here? Strunk and White have had their brainz eated.
BG, I TRIED for funny/jokey.
ReplyDeleteNext time I will job it out to Brando.
BG: You are permitted to do so. BG is always the exception to any AG or Empire Rules. THE Cookie Queen always reigns supreme.
ReplyDeleteSo, BP, forget the Jello match you are looking for you, sick bastardo.
And Billy Charles Pilgrim, YOU BETTER TAKE BACK THAT "Missy" if you want your digits intact. Much like what AG said to AB recently, "It's pretty hard to please AG when you only have two fingers!"
BP IS DEAD. LONG LIVE ZOMBIE ROTTEN MCDONALD.
ReplyDelete"It's pretty hard to please AG when you only have two fingers!"
Depends on which fingers. Plus.... but I ain't going there. This is a zombie family blog.
BP IS BANNED.
ReplyDeleteOne more outburst, and ZOMBIE ROTTEN will be banned. Yes, banned from his own blog! He's just that bad!! Zombeez cannot be trusted!!
So, BP, forget the Jello match you are looking for you
ReplyDeletelol.
Also -- BP. There is enough change in this damn world that SOMETHING has to stay the same. And I choose that your second fake blogging name be THAT THING!
Dear Grammar Zombie,
ReplyDeleteWhen is it necessary to split bare infinitives?
Not sure I get that Beege. Plus, drinking. Plus, as cob-logger, AG is immune from the Grammar Zombie, much as it pains me.
ReplyDeleteBut look; I've sucked at picking nyms. My first one ended up being the initials of Tucker Carlson; unacceptable for so many obvious reasons. Then, I settled on one that was an acro for British Petroleum, also anathema to any good liberal.
Rotten McD has a great advantage in having some great subtexts; plus, being a zombie on well over half the blogs I frequent makes things just weird enough to make this post make sense, of a sort.
BP is dead, and all of you need to get over it. New world and all that. Move on, move on.
What's your stance on intensifiers??
ReplyDeleteIs it ever ok to exaggerate for EFFECT????!!?!?!?
Also... for all of my grammatical foibles, I cannot stand it when people use I when the I in question is really an indirect object. Can you suggest a way I can deal with my inconsistencies and less than accepting ways???
Well, Jennifer, I would suggest EATING THEIR BRAINZZZ!!!
ReplyDeleteBut then, I'm a Zombie.
Dear Grammar Zombie McDonald Pilgrim Costello,
ReplyDeleteIs it improper to use a dangling participle in polite company?
Not sure I get that Beege.
ReplyDeleteOk. Lay and Lie is hard to get.
Effect and affect is hard to get.
And dangling participles? Let's not even go there.
Me wanting to keep *BP* is not hard to get at all.
I'm keepin' it!!!!!!!!
Billy Pilgrim!!!
ReplyDeleteBilly.
Pilgrim.
B.
P.
And family blog?! That ended the day you gave AG access, buttercup.
RM - O M G.
ReplyDeleteThanks so mucho much for the awesome CDs. um.
Brainz.
Thanks agzain!
"The more interesting is A MYRIAD OF or MYRIAD. Nobody seems to confirm that for AG."
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know, it's never 'a myriad of' but rather always 'myriad'. It don't sound so's rights in these here parts, but, meh.
But look; I've sucked at picking nyms. My first one ended up being the initials of Tucker Carlson; unacceptable for so many obvious reasons. Then, I settled on one that was an acro for British Petroleum, also anathema to any good liberal.
ReplyDeleteYet you are okay with being a Zmanda Recovery Manager? You want to be in management?