- I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.
- And I believe in the family - Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.
- And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments. I mean 6. Would you believe 5 1/2?
- I believe an invisible man talks to me, and tells me the most wonderful things about peace, and love, and which people to hate and kill...but has never ever ever told me the right horse to bet on.
- And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.
- And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs”, “jugs”, “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.
- I believe I'll have a beer.
- I believe the Office of Faith Based Initiatives has mislaid my check.
- And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress.
- And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.
- I believe that monkeys will fly from my butt before the Brewers ever make it to the World Series.
- And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that chartreuse robots are stealing my underpants.
- And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.
- And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.
- And I believe that George W. Bush can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.
- And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now. That’s what I believe.
Non-Stop Bullshit
1 hour ago
That's funny because I only believe in one of the Christian's ten commandments -- don't bed your buddies wife.
ReplyDeleteI also believe the George Bush should be sentenced to death for how many young America lives were lost through his complicity.
OK, I was probably a bit overenthused when I came up with 8. There's the do not steal, do not kill, don't bed someone else's wife....probably a couple of others.
ReplyDeleteAnd the thing about hooters? Yeah, I don't use the word hooters either.
But I still believe that robos are stealing my underpants.
Well, I can see ignoring the first four "No other gods before me", "No false idols", "Don't take the Lord's name in vain" and "Honor the Sabbath" if you aren't Christian, but the last six seem pretty universal to me.
ReplyDelete5. Honor your parents
6. Do not kill
7. Do not commit adultery
8. Do not steal
9. Do not bear false witness
10. Do not covet
And I'll have to remember that you believe in equality for everyone, no matter how stupid they are.
Watch out for those monkeys-- the Brewers do have an outside chance of going to the World Series this year. A chance that should only improve in the next few years. You have to remember-- the Seligs aren't running the show any more. There are actual competent baseball people making the calls these days.
Are you sure the robos are chartreuse? I'm not even sure what color that is-- reddish?
I believe you may need a vacation.
Yeah I think that's the basic six.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because the first four are all basically the same thing: Be a Good Christian. I've wondered if there weren't some weird translating going on there that resulted in a bit of convergence.
I also think the Honor your Father and Mother bit needs a bit of qualification- you know, how much honor does a Father who beats or molests his children deserve?
Nick sez "I believe you may need a vacation."
ReplyDeleteWon't stop the Robots from stealing my underpants.
Chartreuse is bright yellow-green. That color that they tried on some fire trucks in the eighties.
Thank you Steve Martin.
ReplyDelete